Hey guys! I’m so sorry I haven’t been posting my China updates… the internet here is so unbelievably slow. Half the time I can’t even load Instagram or even my browser. I’m missing all the Instagram posts and barely keep in touch with people.
I have maxed out my hard drive and can’t upload photos via my phone because it takes too long and I don’t want to half-ass post about China.
One thing I do want to write about very briefly is how much I’m struggling here. I’m not even denying how difficult I’m finding it.
This city is so weird. It’s so small but the noise is non-stop. There’s nowhere to relax, nowhere to hide. It’s full on. There’s hardly anything to do here. One bar, one wine shop, two small malls which get boring after a few visits. Everyone points or stares or takes photos of me. Because I’m white. This place is beyond backwards.
All my depression signs are seeping back into my life.
I can’t eat. I don’t care about what I do eat. I’m not exercising. I’m angry and bitter ALL THE TIME. I cry at night. I cry randomly during the day. I’m so negative about every little thing. I’m utterly disappointed in myself for choosing to move here. It couldn’t be a bigger mistake. Why did I leave my lovely job back home? I hate being here.
I knew when I kept telling myself I’d beaten depression that it wasn’t true. I knew it would end up coming back to me somehow.
Now what the hell do I do? How can I beat it again?