Decluttering my head.

Lately I seem to be making some irrational decisions, and I have come to the conclusion that my life is an a fairly unstable mess.

With few friends, only a part time job and a shed-load of debt, finding the positives becomes a little difficult some days. Especially when you’ve just messed up the most wonderful relationship because your brain decides to tell you nasty things and fill your head with insecurities.

You often hear, “All girls are crazy!”, and right now, I feel as crazy as they come.

I have decided on a few ‘things’ to help me work through my cluttered mind, body and soul. (Yes, all of it. It’s a mess.)

  • Forgiveness – I have so many angry, upsetting memories that I just can’t let go of, but I have decided that I must. They are poisoning me. I will forgive people for what they have done wrong to me, I will forgive myself for my wrong-doings, and I will forgive myself for not taking care of myself when I needed it the most. I feel like this is a fundamental part of moving forward with my life.
  • Recognize my accomplishments – another negative is that I constantly put myself down about absolutely everything, despite having two University degrees and having worked 4 jobs throughout one of them. I can hold a conversation in at least two languages, and am trying to learn more. I can cook, sew, make a pretty decent coffee, I am creative, clever, occasionally hilarious and almost always kind to others. They don’t seem like such bad attributes right? So why, why, why, do I have such a negative opinion of myself? This is going to stop. Right now.
  • Breathing – Although I STILL haven’t been to a yoga class (it’s been 3 years I’ve been saying I’ll go, and I still haven’t.) I am starting to learn to breathe differently. I breathe to calm myself down, to relax, to think, to just be. It is absolutely unbelievable how much breathing properly helps in stressful situations. I am going to make even more of an effort to relax, breathe, and unwind during my days. Part of this will include finding a yoga class I can afford, and try and find an effective way to meditate.
  • Self-talk  – I constantly beat myself up and let my worries completely take over my mind, causing stress to my body and bringing out the worst in myself. I tell myself I’m useless, worthless, stupid, horrible and many other things. This will stop, as I said above, and I mean it. I am going to practice self-talk to bring more positive vibes into my mind, and to help rebuild my confidence (which is currently at about -10000). Negative self-talk can be immensely, emotionally crippling and damage our health more than we often realize, and I am going to stop it. I found an interesting article on Spirituality & Health on the benefits of Self-Talk, written by Linda Carbone.
  • WRITE MORE! I have noticed how little I write these days, compared to a year or two ago when I would fill notebook after notebook with thoughts and ideas and emotions. I am confident that by writing out my worries I can reflect better, and release my thoughts from my head, rather than bottling them up inside me, which leads to…
  • Being more open – I worry too often about hurting someone else’s feelings, therefore I keep my opinions or feelings to myself. If I feel that someone has been unkind, or is pushing me out, I let it bubble up inside and hurt myself, rather than discussing the issue. I 100% will be more open about what I am thinking and feeling, as this as once again caused a break down in certain relationships recently.

Whilst I have a few other options in the background (I am exercising more, and looking into mindfulness), I am going to start with these pointers and hope that they begin to make a difference.

If anyone has any thoughts or advice, please feel free to leave them in the comments section! xo

Living with depression.

I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to live a ‘normal’ life whilst dealing with depression. Yet, here I am. Working 50+ hours a week. Eating properly. Going to the gym. Making travel plans. Trying to make new friends. Days go by where I think, wow! Maybe I’ve finally recovered! And then it hits me. It hits me in a way that I’ve never felt depression before. As if I’m letting my depression down by functioning. It is engulfing. Rather than feeling stronger, for functing with depression, I feel weak for trying to move on with my life. Then, the overwhelming waves of terrifying thoughts seep back into my brain and force themselves out again through floods of tears. Sometimes, I wonder, why I ever pushed myself to start living again when everything else is pulling me back to the world of utter despair and darkness.

“That is all I want in life: for this pain to seem purposeful.”
Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation
I stumbled across this quote this afternoon and I can relate to it so much. Maybe, if I could see a light, or an end, or something up in the distance that made sense, then maybe this constant struggle would be tolerable. If I knew it would do me some good, somewhere in the future. I know we appreciate things more once the struggle is over, once you’ve lost something, all of those cliche sayings that we know are true. However, dealing with depression on a daily basis feels like I’m at war with myself, and I’m losing drastically. I just want to know that it’s going to be worth the fight in the end. Anyone else?

Beating Depression

We hear so many different suggestions and opinions these days on how to deal with mental health issues. Some are condescending, some are ruthless and others are ignorant. Some are light-hearted, some are serious and awakening, and others are completely useless. After a fairly difficult few days, I decided I needed a kick up the backside and dragged myself to the computer, to find as many suggestions as I could for naturally helping beat depression.

One of the pieces which genuinely stuck in my mind has been this one, 11 Ways to Beat Depression Naturally, by Maria Rodale. It is simplistic, honest and not at all patronizing. For me, I felt a sense of compassion coming from her writing, as if she was actively trying to reach out to some of us. That’s probably all my emotions going crazy on me, but I wanted to share it anyway in case it helps someone else.

Also, if anyone has their own suggestions or ideas for dealing with depression, anxiety or anything else, please leave me a comment below as I’d really like to know how other people cope.

Lots of love xo

You’re not ready.

If the silver slice returned to this pale white skin, the unpredictable damage would merely reject you. Drag you further away from this crumpled mess of defeat.

Let the blade draw back the curtains that mask the demons within this crimson river. Flowing through the channels of insanity, the unconscious poison winding within the blood stream.

Pumping through withering veins, infecting a battered heart and snaking through this brain. A crimson sludge leaving traces of decay along every passageway throughout this bludgeoned body.

Each echoing heartbeat is merely a reminder that he let you live, forcing you to revisit those late nights where you once had no escape except to play dead. Let him get in your head. He’s got you under the thumb ready to strike the second you move, just pray you stay numb.

An escape bolted shut. The windows too high. Before you hit the floor those sickening tears line his cheeks, as if pumped from thin air, where’d they come from? No one cares. He’s waiting. Staking out the next victim, lining up his words, as if reaching for an Oscar, he’d have a handful sooner than Leo made his first.

Instead of him on the stage let’s bring back that old blade, like the sun on the sea it’s catching each light, like a glimmer of hope that still wants you to fight. Those brown eyes refusing to burn out, anticipating the day your heart sets on fire, waiting for the one who will gift you desire.

If the blood breaks through the dam of your skin, build it back up before you let him win. Your heart and your soul were not his to claim, but each blow knocked them out of you, with no end to the pain. There’s only one option when it’s time to recover, pull the gun from your temple and hold on for another. The pain won’t last for as long as you might, but his pride goes unharmed if you won’t kick back and fight.

Your place is reserved on earth and in space, no one can remove you once you’ve set your own pace. Let each thought meander through the stream in your head, cast aside the danger that lays in your hands, you’re not ready for the end, so mind how you tread.

Let me in?

These thoughts keep whirring through my mind,
Red alert typhoon of negativity.
Tape up the windows and barricade your doors.
This mind is on the path to destruction.

Saturday’s self-loathing is never enough.
It’ll eat through my skin and into my veins.
Your words only scratch the surface of this.
The question is, will you keep talking?

You showed up with your overflowing confidence,
and a kindness that doesn’t kill.
Your words could heal,
but will you let me in?

 

God.

 

Those loud voices send me into darkness,
the threat hidden within those words spat into her face like poisoned darts,
getting under her skin until she’s gone.

Knives, daggers, cliche crap.
Like a lethal injection, you can’t take it back.
Her self respect dissolved in your hate,
leaving her a broken shell with a barely beating heart.

You’re no God, yet you decide who lives.
Your words, your fists. Pushing her further into the ground.
If she ever escapes, she’s better off dead.